Why

I started this as somewhat of a thing to express, or more, try and express, my 'intellectual' thoughts; the word used lightly. As I have gotten deeper into this life that I'm currently living, that most Americans I feel prob'ly live, I've resorted to expressing my personal problems.


Such as not a bad thing, b/c most blogs are set up as a method to vent, and a resource that will listen, even if noone's reading. But these 'personal problems' are only what I've been conditioned by my society and my being raised in such society (obviously, or not so obvious most likely, it is not only this but my personal interaction, and personal choices throughout, that have interacted with the above).


Nonetheless, I still have these personal problems, that I feel the need, either by some sense of narcisicm we have been fed, and thus follow, or I am using this as a resource of sorts.


So, my current problem is my inability to explain anything that I do in life. First and foremost, which I hate to admit is the first and foremost, I am an 'accountact' of sorts. More like a low level business bum, but that is my profession. And that I absolutely and wholly hate. Second, I spend everyday doing several activities. One is walk my dogs; easy explanation: to instill a sense of responsibility, for something, anything, b/c I lack much, sadly. And I lift. Most every day. I'm not an athlete, I was never an overly athletic person, I can't explain why I do this. I like to tell myself, it's due to my need to move forward, which in most of my life, I'm stand still stagnant. And this, I can, and have the full ability, if I put the time in, to move forward. And I am currently. Also, we can add the healthy thing. But on the other end of this argument, I feel its just to complement the narcism I am displaying right here.

These are just several things that I cannot explain (I had to stop there for my writing's sake, and time's for that matter) . And I fully am inclined to think that this is in direct result to my lack of foundation. I have destroyed everything I was and knew. Now I fight between keeping myself #1 and the majority of my life as God being #1. And it has ruined the person and foundation I knew. And now I just do things to do them. There's no value or redemption in that. There's no genius or purpose. There's just what it is. And nothing more.

And thus I will fight. Fight without a foundation.