Heres to the fast times, the nights we felt alive....

So, I'm not much for writing about my life specifically and sololy in the blog, even though that perhaps is probably the main reason for the creation of such a thing as a blog. But today, to relieve some pressure off my thoughts and emotions, I must. I must also say that, I feel that writing about general topics could apply to a wider audience and more general conclusion, which all I'm trying to accomplish here is an 'understanding', created through 'trying'. But, today, I will stick with inner-analyztion in this, because, even in my micro-world that I create, I must find understanding.

So, I went to my work's annual Christmas party; not so annual for me, but I did go last Christmas, as was my first with the company. Before, previous in the day, I was told that it shows well of yourself to others within the corporation. And I responded that I agreed, and have read this many times. And the work party, was a lot more than expected. Which, considering the down economy, and no raises for '09, was well-deserved and even needed to compensate for the loss. I saw many people within the company, including sitting around a fire pit with top executives around the company. The head of the whole organization, in fact. But even as I was in the presence of my peers, and even more so in the presence of such powerful people within the company itself, it felt depressing. To know that I live such a different life; and don't exactly adhere to any sort of code or standard. I want to be expressing, and against the grain. But at what cost?

I felt a lot of jealousy as well. I am flawed; very much so, actually. And, while I wouldn't have it any other way, I look at most, and say, why was I chose to have the rocky road. Yeah, we all face adversity, and trials. And, in all reality, no situation, or life, can be exactly similar. These moments and situations that create the life that we experience daily are unique, and our own. But I feel cheated. A lot. I mean, I am very blessed. But why is there that unspoken basis to determine where one is at in life. I feel pressured by this, that I most likely make in my own head, but as I compare myself to others, which is the only basis I can see to scale the life I've created, I've fallen short in every category. And have no idea how to get back on the train. Some of this has been self inflicted, but the main burden I carry was a choice, yes, but also, the only option to create the life that I thought I was entitled to. I'm not a very specific person, even in this blog, but more so in real life, but for this, there is no way to not be specific. I am over $100K in debt for attending Penn State. That amounts to almost half of the money that I make within a given month, at my current position, with no extra income earned. Half.

And I continually ask, is there a solution? I see a path in front of me that is the only way to reach those goals. But its harder than this one, I complain, and depress, myself about constantly. Specifically, on this one: going to grad school and working towards my CPA. Both, at my current position in life don't seem too probable, or imaginable. But to obtain these goals I've set, and to reach that so-called level that I, and my worldly view, have created to compare myself with others, I must work. And the two things that make one successful are preparation and opportunity. Because this is about when preparation meets opportunity. Simple, yet true.

So, summation. I'm jealous, behind, and lost.