I hate......sometimes

I do, I really do. Which isn't really what I'm trying to convey in this life, and me, about all, should know that hating and prejudice and this system we're born into isn't right. And its our Right and responsibility to correct that how we see fit, within the means that our country allows. Remember the Civil War. Yes, that, that is what our country was founded on and formed for, the outcasts, the minorities, the poor, what does the Statue of Liberty say, 'Give us your tired and hungry and poor'. Somethin' like that, so I continue with another quote.

'Excuse my french, my emotion and my passion,
but I wear my heart on my sleeve like its the new fashion'

Yeah, I did that. I just went from quoting the Statue of Liberty face plate to quotin' Weezy. Ha.

But anyways, I digress. I do however, and have always, worn my heart on my sleeve to this public, a trait, that for better or worse, has brought me to this somewhat dire situation I've been entangled in now. But I'm here, and surviving, and even living to a certain extent. I'm in love. And to my best friend, he quit his job and has that, so I figure if he can lean on that for self worth and fulfillment, I'll try love too.

But as I wear my heart, I feel better; I feel as if I have progressed. That I tried for that day. And I continue on from those days holding on to the hope that when tomorrow comes I will have that same drive for continuing in my path. A mess that path is, but its filled with many decisions, and its many of these decisions have led me to this point, where I know that I do have these feelings, which seem to infect every aspect of life. I've stopped trying to move forward to stop back and hate. Hate on everything for it bein' it and me bein' me. But thats where I stand; and here's how it came about today that I was made aware of it in the greatest extent possible. Well, maybe thats a little dramatic, I means theres people fighting wars, theres people starving, there are many that have a very much less-desirable life than I am living at the present. But I still I bitch. Is that the American way? Should I blog on a computer, technology that is not available to many who exist outside of this 'digital divide' created by society, mainly our views on a one view capitalist, democratic system. And even more so; to have a country and a world where #1 for most is money. A greed based system of pride and dollar signs. That we are forever and everyday surrounded in. I've been elsewhere. Where these capitalistic American ideals do not flow over to everything, I mean, hell, there are many other places within the US that this is not the case. However, society there may have other societal-induced problems, such as is also a plague to the US, ignorance. So, if greed does not consume your view, it is ignorance. Maybe you've been left out of that picture so ignorance is the choice, whatever it may be, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that. We all have problems, its the decision to change and constantly accept we can be better versions of ourselves.

We are all plagued with problems, whether we know it or not, but its how we address that and continue and 'will live' instead of 'have lived'.

I do hate.

But I also try.

if I ever leave this world alive....

Finding a subject to write about is about the biggest problem I'm having at the present moment. That, mainly is the reason I don't write much. Inspiration, which keeps most from, well, most of what they could accomplish. And I'm no exception, but who thought otherwise? Maybe me at one point actually. That point slowly fades, and reality sets in, but I still strive for somethin'. Maybe not everything I could accomplish, but something. Sad, I'd say, but its the harsh reality of these times. We have to settle, because the outside world is a force that we can neither stop nor slow down. So, we deal. And work around it the best we can.

Enough about meaningless rants on subjects we could neither care for no agree with. So, I continue.

I could write about many things, but my mind and the thoughts and subjects I would wish to write about come about the time I'm not sitting at the computer waiting to write a blog. As does about most occur in my life, maybe generalized into, our lives. Its random, and theres no right way to determine your path, or for that matter, your own interpretation of that past. Specifically, what I would be trying to accomplish with a 'blog'. To only prosper a creative side, but also to never give up in trying to find the correct path, and thus, the right way to guide 'that path'. Sometimes, maybe we fall from the path but we always see the end, even if we don't get there. But its how do we guide ourselves through the path, ie with the decisions we make and choosing between the right way to that destination and the wrong.

It seems that Ive gotten very off-track of this path, so I quit.

Yeah, that was anti-climatic.

Happiness....

Speaking of suicide, and what I would have to believe would be the ultimate cause, or at least the first layer of the cause, would be lack of the above, happiness. Granted, you don't kill yourself over not being happy, the killing is a last act meant for people who are past unhappiness. Hopelessness, if you will, but even more than that.

However, happiness is something I have seen much of in my meaningless little life growing up in Pittsburgh. Here, you learn to be modest and live in those means. Sure, you dream and hope and wish for more; and maybe even work for more. But all is still seen in a modest sense. I dream for only a small house, a nice car, a nice girl to accompany me, and maybe even a nice job. Nothing too outrageous. Modest. So, experiencing some of the times I've been through, Costa Rica, Penn State, Key West, even something as minimal as Steelers games are just a few examples of things most of the people who are in my life have not and may never get to experience. And I am very lucky.

Still, my thoughts and soul is not pleased or even satisfied most of the time. One of the things I live by, told to my by a 'former' friend, who is that only by choice, but that's another blog, and another long story as is this life. But he said, 'Be happy with what you have, but always want more. Be content, but always strive for something better.' Easy enough, basic quotation on a summation of our lives, that many people have said previous and will continue to spout off as we try to understand this world. But I live by that, or try to, along with other little sayings and words that have inspired me throughout the years and continue to these days. My brother once said 'you don't have to enjoy this, but you have to get through this. And thats life, you just have to trudge through the shit when things are bad.' Again summation and an easy paraphrase for our problems, prob'ly repeated again and again by many, but its true, and for me, at least, its the cliches that get me by. And the final one I'll leave with is actually fall out boy.

'the songs and the words own the beating of our hearts'

seriously, they do, I have it on my chest, seriously. Songs are sometimes all we have...

self conclusion - the spill canvas

"Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world."

Excuse me sir,
But I had plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right
My reply:
Excuse me miss,
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me."
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully."
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died
My reply:
Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying, living with me

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully."
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do? My offer stands and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to God if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming."
"Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Cause ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too."

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets


So, there it goes...Its an amazing song; and I guess as subjective as that may be, anyone can like any type of music, so give it a try. It is obviously emo as to its subject and tone; but really, to that type of music, its someone expressing their emotions in the most pure way possible. That is a just a side note of why I enjoy the genre, b/c the spill canvas is tip of emo, close to dashboard. But the music is simply someone giving you the listener their heart; while you hear pop songs, rap songs, rock songs, whatever have you, where the writer is so superficial and such a persona that they don't have anything outside of the lyrics: you know how it goes, money, sex, the lifestyle, whatever you will, but emo is someone's heart. There are flashes of that in many types of music, but nowhere is it more prevalent.

But as much as music matters, so do humans. That doesn't quite work, but I'll run with it. This song is amazing, and emo is good to some; but this song concerns the human, two actually, who have set out a journey, and have failed. They're at the end, or what they believe to be the end of the journey, one that they feel has been a complete waste. And they're there and they find each other in that moment. And realize there's more.

Well. I've experienced death a little, not like most but have had flasshes. Grandma, only 1 that I knew, aunt, that I saw once a year, and several others that have effected me a little, but emotionally, not so much that I was extremely upset. Now, livin in PH, theres many chances and opportunities for death. And sadly, many have chose those. Obviously, drugs are major causes to most. Alcohol counts too, but its PH, like I said, so sadly, and truthfully, drugs are a major part of the deaths that I've been surrounded by, maybe not directly, but most certainly, indirectly. Also, cars and bikes has got some lives.

But suicide directly, like a direct attempt to end your life; thats not so common around here, or at least that I've experienced. I mean, if you're doing heroin, you might as well be wishing death on yourself, but most aren't directly goin' for a death sentence with that.

Well, lets start at this; maybe the point to the entry. I put this exact song on my other blog, my myspace one, for the main reason that its just a good song, and I really wanted to pop one up there, since my prior one was lame, and made me look like a fuckup and pretty much just a straight idiot. So, I posted this song. Two days later, I'm at church, which I was hoping for a revealing and peaceful and mind-soaking time, but the mood was set with the suicide of a fellow struggling Christian, brother, if you will. But he was about a couple years younger than me, about 3 I think, so prob'ly 21. He had went to Costa Rica with me when I was 16, on a mission trip. I never had much direct experience with him, but had enough, and throughout the years, I've seen him and been excited and went through the motions of old friends. It would have been more of an acquaintance in any other situation, but just because we were involved in such a life-changing and powerful experience. But nonetheless, he was an amazing kid, never really knew where he was at the age of 21. Perhaps college, dunno, but either way he was an awesome kid. And he killed himself. Because there was no one there? So, loneliness? I hadn't seen him in what I believe to be at least a year, prob'ly more like 3 or 4. Was it disparity? I have no idea, and the world may never have an idea. Only God will know. But my question and concern is what drives you to that place, even herion, what drives you to that? Life sucks a lot; there are a lot of hardships, especially these days. Financial to be the first, but then maybe its what is bought and gained from those finances. Lack of happiness, or at least contentment, may be the first and top hardship on our list that kills us, or even drives us to our most desperate points.

This is one I can neither debate, nor understand.

ignorance....

I've been come over with a lot of want to write this down; my affinity and obsession with others lives, mainly through media. Thats a little harsh of a way to put it, so I'll dumb it down, or lesson the effects of it, if you will. There is a media-driven necessity, almost as if it was passed from generation to generation, to inquire, and even follow the lives of stars and the like. It, along with many other media-driven forms of communication to the public, drive these idealogies and norms down our throats like we're sitting there, mouth open, tryin' to catch snowflakes in the winter. Bad analogy, real bad in fact.

We, and side note: I really hate to make generalizations, esp with idealogical principles involved, but I do all the time. I used to say, I'm a walking contradiction. So it is. Either way, I, in a mild way. have a need and probably more so, a want, to follow lives of say it a basketball star, like Lebron, or a movie star, like Brad Pitt, even a TV show character, such as what I'm hinting for myself, Entourage, and, hell, if you're really lame, a political figure.

And, another side note, American political representatives are nothin to throw a party about, to say the least. The political system, along with many other major systems within our social framework, does not function properly. And, yes, I speak very subjectively; because in all reality, what is really meant of 'Politics'? This is my favorite quote on the subject and the definition; however, this in my very subjective and ill-informed opinion, because how can we be objective in a subject that is just that, subjective. Get it. There you go. Time to move on. HST said 'politics is the art of controlling your environment.' A definition that is a simple as it is powerful.

What affects us the most within our lives? Our innermost beliefs and thoughts and feelings interacting with the world around us, our environment. So, what better way to get more off-track of the main subject, than to say that maybe the later, the political figures are the smarter choice between the list of others. I mean, one is fictional, one is created from series of fictional characters, if you follow me on that one, and the other could beat you at one game, well some of them are big, so maybe a couple.

Nonetheless, we still chose to live vicariously through these characters or even real people, but a person is only as good as his whole, so how can we even see a whole person through a media-driven form of capitalist-driven corporations and their ulterior motives.

So, just as the media and the government connect, thus do the corporations. It seems as if all three make up the American society and especially what is perceived by outsiders, what it sadly seems to be today. And, what that society, and those institutions don't know, is that, the United States of America can no longer be the world power of yesteryear, of my parents generation, coming off WWII. This United States does not have the key ingredients, such as resources, ie OIL, at least in quantity needed, and also a sense of society that does not come from the media, but through a sense of also community, an attachment to one another. Because, a society is a very large sense of an attachment, maybe even at the bitter core, a reason for being, but, so is, community, a smaller version of a society, that with the development of large cities, is being wiped out.

I have a very skeptical, and pessimistic, view, excuse me, but I'm there and I've been there. I'm not talking straight poverty in the hood or even Welfare, but to start lower middle-class, with the middle class being abolished as I continue to waste my time blogging and not getting ready. Being there shows you another side of America that maybe isn't hell holes and jail cells, but it aint fuckin rainbows and cherry pie either. Maybe since I'm from Pittsburgh, Stillers and Beer. Either way, theres so much more than all of that, but which will life grant? And which will have to dig out of our holes and try to obtain. With most failing at the latter. As I do everyday.