choices

At what point in our meaningful, and also meaningless, lives do the choices we make affect our everyday life? Where do we come to a point where we know that we constantly make the wrong decisions and we must change?

I look around me everyday and see so many that have given up and live with whatever choices they constantly make and will forever make. It is as if one decision, one moment, one choice is all that we know and see; and we continue to fall to that choice.

Is it the paradigms that we live in individually? These paradigms surround our every being, our every decision. So, I am to come to the conclusion that we do not make choices in our lives, but we make choices as to how we create the paradigms that we live within. These paradigms are nothing greater and nothing less than prison walls within our lives. And these, created by many, are the obstacles we must conquer, not our economic situation, not our status, not our career or job. But ourselves.

I live in a constant anxious and fearful state, yet I blame every problem I have on my financial position, and even more so the societal position I've been handed down. Wrong choices are a staple in my everyday way of life; choices that, as a child and young adult, I thought I would never compromise, but at the age of 25, I see as necessary. A lie was once a foe to my being, but now I live lies upon lies. Lieing to myself just to pass the days away, to eventually fade away and perish into nothing.

At what point are the compromising behaviours a change to the whole persona that I carry. I'm not who I once was; my innocence, belief structure, and self, in general, are compromised and almost non-existant.

Where is the end; and more appropriately, where is the beginning?

G-20

I really used to enjoy the idea of a protest, a mass gathering of many people for one cause. It seems more noble than our everyday interactions with this world and this society. Acting on our beliefs to such an extense it causes us to gather for that one specific idea and notion that our actions will somehow affect others actions and decisions and choices throughout their lives, whether that be the public or the instituition itself.

Government is the main institution fought for, or better said, against. And it has been seen throughout history that both sides are heavily opiniated and heavily manned. I mean take for example the current state of Pittsburgh. Over how many people. Maybe several thousand, or maybe the number that could swarm this city is even imagined much more. Opiniated is an obvious, but massive is not so. As one, or at least one who grew up in most cities of the US, would see such groups as the minority; but when there is an international event, I guess one could expect such groups to be what would seem to be the majority.

Media intensely swings such beliefs and societal norms, but thats an entirely different subject.

MY thing with all of this is not the protest itself; except for the offshoot that it is a violent protest, which is most certainly in the realm of possibilities. My thing, more specifically, problem through all of this, is that at best it will be a futile attempt to challenge said authorities and institutions. At worst, well, I'm not informed or qualified to answer whatever could arise.

The first problem with protestors, not protests, is they have one main, very important ingrediant in American society, against them: the media. That brings up another such key integral part to society: the people.

What are we inclined to thing?

That with what we hear.

If we hear it, on a form of media that we, as Americans, view as government- (who we see perfectly fit to run society) managed, how are we to distrust this said information?

I don't blame the Average American; I just don't understand him. Ignorance is sadly understandable, just not an option if you want to be a producer/contributor within this society.

Now, protestors are not your Average ignorant Americans; they certianly do not share the same ignorances. But they are ignorant; ignorant of one thing: the other side. Because in this society we live in a multidemensional world, even if those dimension only amounts to two. They may only have eyes for one side; but the other side does exist. Maybe only in dreams or minds, but it still lives there, and many of those sides, or more naturally-named, beliefs, prosper within a media-crazed and -driven world.

My biggest personal gripe is that it makes no sense; you're trying to influence a society, more so, a system, that you yourself left. And you can guarentee me that this current system pushes many to that point. However, most cannot act upon it in such dramatic form; but certainly do rebel against it in small ways.

So, to bring an idea, and more so, try to bring a change in idea, to a society that will not bring themselves to live a life that many radical protestors live; one of abandoment and outcasting, due to their choice in departure from said society.

It makes not sense to me.

I'd love to write forever, but I have a bed time. And its long gone.

More words need to be said. B/c the songs and the words own the beating of our hearts.

That ruined any chance of authenticity or regard to the words I just so passionatly wrote. (that kind of ruined it too)

tomorrow

I live on a notion that tomorrow will be the day. Whatever that action may be. It will be tomorrow. When someday, tomorrow, I won't be here. So, waiting for these specific actions to occur is basically what I determine to be life.

And tomorrow comes, and there, I lose everything I've ever wanted.

I try to everyday, better myself; find a new reason to be alive, a purpose. And after 25 years on the earth, I continue to lack any direction, just living to live. Or dying to die. Whichever suits yourself; that or any combination, there of.

I know we are here for a reason, and I tend to find such from day to day, with many days interlocking the days of revelation.

And thus maybe the problem with my writing.

I want to write all the time, at least once a day, or even several times a week.

But I have no purpose, thus no topic. So, maybe I shall, just like formal education, chose myself a topic and elaborate as such.

Unfortunately, this is neither the time nor place.

Ok, while that may have been a bit over-exagerated; I'd rather write a topic on one of the 4 books I wish to someday scribe.

But I am neither, a scribe, or a motivated person.

Selah.

where I am....

I've been working on finding inspiration, in anything and everything that I can pull from, and most importantly, at any time. Most times, I feel the same depression and ignorance that most feel towards the creative side of their persona; one that, I believe, we should never fully give up on or discount. But as I journey through this life, I find that most of the people that I come in contact have no thought or understanding of such a so-called 'creative' side. We have lost hope in ourselves and hang onto the thoughts, ideas, and works of others, while not contributing anything to the picture.

I, in fact, started this blog, and many other of my various works, and even more so, actions in life, to not only improve on myself, but bring an understanding that I do not want credit(unless a day comes where that opportunity strikes), I solely am for the movement of those who I come into contact with. I want to affect the masses, and more meaningfully, those around me, my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers.

We are here to take this journey together; to feed off one another's visions and creations. But we lacklustly ignore everything, and every gift, we've been given. To be soul-less, lost beings with not much of a purpose other than to follow. Follow the ways we've been taught.

So, essentially, to solely take our society in and become nothing more than a by-product. And eventually waste.

Now, what should we then do, if this nonsense could actually be true?

Not become a typical American consumer, buying into media outlets and shopping malls, but buying into ourselves, and creating. Creating a better sense of being though, just that, creation. As we expand our ideas and thoughts, and for that matter, creations, there are many reactions that effect many people.

I struggle with this everyday. As, I assume, we all do.

Why

I started this as somewhat of a thing to express, or more, try and express, my 'intellectual' thoughts; the word used lightly. As I have gotten deeper into this life that I'm currently living, that most Americans I feel prob'ly live, I've resorted to expressing my personal problems.


Such as not a bad thing, b/c most blogs are set up as a method to vent, and a resource that will listen, even if noone's reading. But these 'personal problems' are only what I've been conditioned by my society and my being raised in such society (obviously, or not so obvious most likely, it is not only this but my personal interaction, and personal choices throughout, that have interacted with the above).


Nonetheless, I still have these personal problems, that I feel the need, either by some sense of narcisicm we have been fed, and thus follow, or I am using this as a resource of sorts.


So, my current problem is my inability to explain anything that I do in life. First and foremost, which I hate to admit is the first and foremost, I am an 'accountact' of sorts. More like a low level business bum, but that is my profession. And that I absolutely and wholly hate. Second, I spend everyday doing several activities. One is walk my dogs; easy explanation: to instill a sense of responsibility, for something, anything, b/c I lack much, sadly. And I lift. Most every day. I'm not an athlete, I was never an overly athletic person, I can't explain why I do this. I like to tell myself, it's due to my need to move forward, which in most of my life, I'm stand still stagnant. And this, I can, and have the full ability, if I put the time in, to move forward. And I am currently. Also, we can add the healthy thing. But on the other end of this argument, I feel its just to complement the narcism I am displaying right here.

These are just several things that I cannot explain (I had to stop there for my writing's sake, and time's for that matter) . And I fully am inclined to think that this is in direct result to my lack of foundation. I have destroyed everything I was and knew. Now I fight between keeping myself #1 and the majority of my life as God being #1. And it has ruined the person and foundation I knew. And now I just do things to do them. There's no value or redemption in that. There's no genius or purpose. There's just what it is. And nothing more.

And thus I will fight. Fight without a foundation.

I might as well....

I've always had a need to write, but a will was usually non-existant. So goes the current state of this 'blog', if you can even give it that distinction.

I try.

Unfortunately, I still, none the less, fail greatly when it comes to producing something of worth, while doin such consitently. There are so many factors on what drives us and how we will recact in an infinate number of situations. I, aslo, fail to realize any of them. And so continue on to exploring this world, and mainly this society, and not to drag this on to far, myself. We constantly will learn throughout our lives, and will have revelations on revelations, and need to be open to that growth and necesity of education throughout our entire lives. I, of all things that I do, try to adhere to this policy above all. Because what are we if we dont learn, thus, evolve. We would be the same from that which we came, and how far has this society come since believed beginning of man, wherever your own may lie. And that is why I have stuck with that principle.

However, the notion of my entire 'blog',again, I use that term loosely, is of production vs. consumption. Because 90% of my believed part of the world that would ever stumble or come across this 'blog' would be American; these 'believed' statistics that I mention obvioulsy are in the process and have been in said process of lessening the digital divide that was created due to this very much class-filled world. Nonetheless, this divide was created, that is as the sharp rise of globalization increases, so does this 'digital divide'.

So, back to the 90%; us, as Americans, and many other highly industrialized nation, in a general sense, consume much more than they produce. Many pick careers which can categorize themselves as producers, but outside of that, produce very little. And, depending on the career, and the 'product', they do not fulfill the necessary part of society that one in their position, as a member, must be able to, to make a 'more-perfect union', but that thought was not created to be a dream, but what was and should be.

Our lives have stood in the way of this growth as a society, and more so, as individuals. For a while, as is with any great society, the rise within grows exponentially, and in what is most definately not a quantifiable rate. But, can this growth last forever? Great nations have fallen throughout time, in many circumstances and points throughout the world. So, is it naive to believe that we, as Americans could fall, or should it not even be a question, a thought, and even a possibility. Well, as our society has fallen, and continues to nose dive due to the greed and wealth of many.

I'm getting off point; but with any prose I put out there, in any format, I tend to wander. Thus is more interesting writing for myself, and most undoubtebly, more confusing to have to read and putting meaning to.

I only put the idea of American society, probably because thats mainly all that I know, outside a four month stint in a Latin society, which is hardly enough time to create a knowledge base of a culture, especially with a hard fought language barrier. But the idea of us, as Americans, and producing our means, or at least producing to levels of our consumption, is, as a whole, a common and unseen problem of where we reside. I only bring up the point of our consumption because the satisfaction I receive in life is more from the production that consumption side of things. Sure, consumption gives us instant gratification, but the longer and more beneficial, to us as individuals and members of society, is the production, as levels of our product are raised and so is the level of our self, whether that be happiness, self-esteem, or satisfaction, however you were to word it.

Time calls as a stop to my production, a concept I, as can be read throughout this 'blog', struggle with, in terms of defining, and enacting within my own life. But that is what can be learned throughout writing, a better understanding, maybe not a full one, but a better one.

Inspiration

My whole ideas and basis for continuing my writing, song-making, and poeting are a friend of mine from school in Altoona. He actually ended up dropping out of the branch campus we attended his senior year of college with 40K in college debt. All to become an active activist, as if activist doesn't make that implication. He had many stong opinions for many non-conforming ideas that most would scoff at. But through all, he taught me a bunch of things. To have fun obviously, but it was college. But most life-inspiring was to always create, never stop because this world is always trying to make us, but we have to try back.

We created, many nights. That sounds a little on the gay side. But in all seriousness, we had many conversations about many issues, that opened our minds, and created. IBM said it best ideation. And while their commercial was a sort-of humorous affair with rooms in corporations for this process, it was true. Ideation is a very integral process in business, but even more so, in life. Creating within our own mind and sharing with others to prosper and create more new ideas is one of the most invaluable gifts we have been given.

But it all starts with the try. That I always refer to, and always must fight. So, here I am on this day, in a new season that is starting out as perfect as I could expect at my current position. Trying to live that lifestyle of try. And use that to affect others. Because what good is creation if it can't be shared. That is just the experience I had earlier today. At work, you couldn't tell a guy who was in a band versus the guy who stays home on a friday night on his Mac. So, discovering new things about others is a rewarding and interesting experience we can find in the work place.

I just started with a new 'team' working on a different 'product', financial to be exact. I'm about as friendly as I can be with all of them as I am new. But when I do get to conversate with them, there is always something new to be learned. Well, this guy, who thankfully and most identically to myself, annoys our supervisor; she's a little edgy, but we do antagonize. Well, I found out from one of the people in the group I've known the longest that he is trying to produce music, has attempted writing books, and has written and submitted a screen play. So, I got to talking to him, and it was very inspiring to see someone, who isn't necessarily in that path, but 'trying' and reaching for his dream. He said to me that he didn't necessarily have the most confidence in his product but he still produced, with the knowledge that any effort is the best effort. He also understood that improvement is limitless within the boundaries of one's improvement.

I concur to all of those beliefs. We, did, sadly, and most truthfully, admit that we were looking for the almighty dollar. But pursuing one's passion, in that is not a landmark to acceptance the capital paid back for their efforts. Nobody wants to produce a dead product, but sometimes we must sift through it all, and find our best. And the only way we can accomplish that is to try and never give up.

We can have one road, just one with many lanes.

I know you want me to want you, I want to...

I am an unfortunate line of events that has created a 25yr old indebted soul searching fool. Well, the key word in that was debt, and I know and have a lot of it. Mainly to due to education that I so lacklessly, and tactlessly, obtained. But I graduated, and that must count for something. In fact, in this day and age, you're lucky to have obtained that degree and not be working flipping burgers. That might have been to the extreme, but at the very, and most significantly, you're very unlikely to settle into a field you've chosen. And such is the society we have created: where I, as a tax-paying and contributing citizen, must pay over 100k to attend a university, and live life and fund all its other expenses while doing it. And this does not at all stop there, but at the end of the unemployment line.

Sure, if you had taken the opportunities that were presented to you, or more re-affirmingly, that were bought for you, and succeed with an above-respectable GPA, you will certainly be employed, gainfully, depending on the field. But most of us earth dwellers, must fight out a slimming job force to take a job that barely gets us by.

And there is our society; almost too capitalistic.

I'll never give up, but look around, many have. Even those just making ends meet, look at them, they have given up while getting by, which may be even worse, not economically, solely indivually.

I don't support an all-anything government, but to think that a socialist policy or two might not hurt us isn't a damning idea. We have many social programs that function properly, for the most part(everything can improve, and thus is our goal as humans), and are necessary for our continuity in this society. Firemen and Police. Mass Transportation. Pre-Secondary Education.

Capitalism thrives on the idea that Darwin did. Survival of the fittest. And to not have a humanitarian view, especially at at time where more are struggling than have ever, is ignorant. Rich can still be rich. The lazy can still lie dormant. The motivated can still find a way.

My writing is very eratical and I can honestly barely read it; I'm not or will I ever follow one direct path. How am I as a being to present this world with such an open mess. And I try to answer that daily; and fought hard and won the battle today. Everyday writing and trying and producing, whether negative, positive or neutral to this world is still a try. And I have and will always believe that try is the best we are. And when we produce so does the world. Such is physics; for every action there is a reaction. I keep to that, that any action of good nature, maybe thoroughly repeated, yes, but these actions can change the world for the better. No matter if its the entire one, or just one's.

pura vida.

Production

Lately, this notion of production and consumption has been filling all areas of my life, from societal and personal. And I, Personally, also speaking economically, am solely presenting myself to the world as a consumer; that is outside of my profession. I almost said career, but so help me, if this is my career, which sort of de-notes(sp?) a life long thing. I guess so does profession, so I suppose job would be the most appropriate title. And this job, while being on the road of the 'career' that I chose for my life, is not in line with the end result of my collegiate experience. Or maybe I just say that all as to defend my meaningless and unfulfilling position in life, which I pray and hope is not my life's work.

Back to production however, as my writing tends to get off subject very easily, and more importantly, all too often. As I present myself to this world as a producer within my [country's] economy, I do so as a tax-paying, corporate-driven(low level as it is), consumer-minded, citizen. So, yes, I have a job, pay my taxes, contribute to a corporation that produces(where my contribution to society in a production stand point lies) a service that is necessary for our complex economy, and simply, I am a producer in that sense. Pretty much, an average 'Joe' producer; nothing outside a limited boundary, created by another significant member of society, at least ours in America: a corporation.

However, where my views rest, is not on a pro-corporation, capitalistic society, or in laimen's(sp?) terms, a 'money-driven world'. That is in fact the society that I have been raised and currently dwell in, as are most societies in this world. But my question is, who said this was the right way? Obviously, and most objectively as I can be, there are many problems within this world, and more specifically, our society. So, how can we, as a purely capitalistic society create such a line between the wealthy and the poor. Are several houses of enormous capacity and small one bedroom apartments and row houses where we should draw the line; and even more extreme, mansions, and the plain, ole' outside, the streets. Where do we get to say that, yes, this accomplished and even more so, blessed, human, deserves and should squander, while there are others, who lie on the streets at night, dreaming and, more appropriately, waiting, for a change. A dream and a hope that is almost unobtainable at that level.

Now, maybe I've again gotten too far off track, but is there not a point where we should, as a society, look past the capital that surrounds us, and look to ourselves, our own hearts. I'm referring to creating a humanitarian outlook, as opposed to this capitalist world we have thrived in and continue to follow in. Even in our worst times, which they say is now, we still live like Kings, compared to the peasants of this world.

Again, I digress, to my emotions to be specific. Its the one thing that fully controls me, or at least when I can't control them. These are only my beliefs, and who am I really... But as I said, 'we thrived'. Who really is we? Because there's millions, billions, that have not, and will never.
So to create a society centered around the dollar, is to base it on greed.

I've gotten into a whole new matter for discussion and subject. But, I think I answered my original question, that I may have not even stated within this. This was the reason I was even inspired to write. To question myself, and society. Whether it is better to produce, even though some of the end products were not what was intended, or even worthy of re-iteration at any other given point in time. Or whether a stagnant way of being; And producing, is a better route. Most certainly it is not easier, but fulfilling and contributing, is something that inactivity is not.
I see it all the time, and also fight it all the time; but with this act of non-inactivity(to say the double negative just to stress the importance of creating an atmosphere and life void of inactivity) I have shown myself, that it is in most point of fact, better to produce. Whether the end result changes the world, or lies in its place in that moment.

With any production, there is a product. And a product, no matter the value, always surpases a stagnant consuming way of being.

And with that, I have proved myself wrong. And right.